.Ramblings of ayunie.

My back feels like it is burning.

This is terrible pain man. The painkillers are not working, but thank goodness the twitching has stopped. But instead, there's this fiery feeling on my back and left side.

ooooooh the pain.

Well camp was fun. Couldn't scare many people, because not many ppl wanted to enter de classroom im in. And de ones hu did are fuggin bastards. yeap.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I miss you Hafiz.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I feel like screaming.

I came back from the doctor this morning. She told me the resh that has been bugging me the past week was just Herpes Zoster, like chicken pox, and it would subside within the next few weeks. And in the meanwhile, I just have to bear with the pain and take my medication just like a good girl.

Nothing too bad, right?

wrong.

I looked it up, and I freaked out.

Herpes Zoster, also known as shingles. It's a blood virus that is similar to chickenpox. I got it due to a temporary decrease in the body's resistance, allowing the virus to start multiplying and to move along nerve fibres towards the skin. No wonder it itches and hurts so much.

So basically it just means I have a bad immune system, and I have to somehow make myself healthier?

I HAVE TO GET BETTER. yes. That way the stinging pain will stop and hurt less.

I'll just start tomorrow: starting with having enough sleep; less stress, and whatnot.

http://www.nsc.gov.sg/cgi-bin/WB_ContentGen.pl?gid=33&id=174

I think I'll go sleep now. The stinging is back, and I need to sleep to avoid the pain. Painkillers suck.

P.S: I am so sorry fizzie if im scaring you. im kinda freaked out. i think i just need a lil bit of thinking time for now.

Dang you Kak Dila. You're de one hu freaked me out first. shits.

Friday, July 27, 2007

My dad is awesome. He just killed a cockroach with his bare hands. It is almost freaky.

It crawled past him in the living room. And Dad just catches it. And grabbed and picked it up. And flung it onto the floor in full force. One of de roaches' wing fell out. And it died. WOOT. GOO DADDAY!

Oh and Class was wierd. I couldn't understand anything. I think I'm gonna work on my assignment tmr. Yea.

ate: 1/2 sardine puff
combo 3 frm LJS
1 prata BOM
1 packet roller coaster
1 pepsi
1 godzilla

I ate a lot. woot.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I try to remember

1. Everybody doesn't have to love me
Not everybody has to love me or even like me. I don't necessarily like everybody I know, so why should everybody else like me? I enjoy being liked and being loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, I will still be okay and still feel like I am an okay person. I cannot make somebody like me, any more than someone can get me to like them. I don't need approval all the time. If someone does not approve of me, I will still be okay.

2. It is okay to make mistakes
Making mistakes is something we all do, and I am still a fine person when I make them. There is no reason for me to get upset when I make a mistake. I am trying, and if I make a mistake, I am going to continue trying. I can handle making a mistake. It is okay for others to make mistakes too. I will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.

3. Other people are okay and I am okay
People who do things I don't like are not necessarily bad people. They shouldn't necessarily be punished just because I don't like what they do or did. There is no reason why other people should be the way I want them to be, and there is no reason why I should be the way somebody else wants me to be. People will be whatever they want to be, and I am whatever I want to be. I want me to be me. Not controlling other people or changing them. They are who they are; we all deserve basic respect.

4. I don't have to control things
I will survive if things are different than what I want them to be. I can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, accept mysef the way I am. There is no reason to get upset if I can't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. There is no reason why I should have to like everything. Even if I don't like it, I can live with it.

5. I am responsible for my day
I am responsible for how I feel or what I do. Nobody can make me feel anything. If I have a rotten day, I am the one who allowed it to be that way. If I have a great day, I am the one who deserves credit for being positive. It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better. I am the one who is in charge of my life.

6. I can handle it when things go wrong
I don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. Things usually go just fine, and when they don't, I can handle it. I don't have to waste too much energy worrying. The sky won't fall in; things will be okay.

7. It is important to try
I can. Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. Avoiding a task does not giv eme any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. Things worth having are worth the effort. I might not be able to do everything, but I can do something.

8. I am capable
I don't need someone else to take care of my problems. I am capable. I can take care of myself. I can make decisions for myself. I can think for myself. I don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.

9. I can change
I don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened in the past. Every day is a new day. It's silly to think I can't help be the way I am. Of course I can. I can change.

10. Other people are capable
I can't solve other people's problems for them. I don't have to take on other people's problems as if they were my own. I don't need to change other people or fix up their lives. They are capable and they can take care of themselves, and solve their own problems. I can care and be of some help, but I can't do everything for them.

11. I can be flexible
There is more than one way to do something. More than one person has had good ideas that will work. There is no one and only 'best' way. Everybody has ideas that are worthwhile. Some may make more sense to me than others, but everyone's ideas are worthwhile and everyone has something worthwhile to contribute.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

currently feeling: PAIN. intolerable pain.

currently doing: watching Romeo X Juliet on crunchyroll

listening to: nothing at all.

recently read: Harry Potter fanfics from fanfiction.net

ate: 3 sardine puffs
2 cups of tea
1 bite of bread

Damn I ate too little today. but what the heck. My back is in too much friggin pain I don't care anymore. Tomorrow I'm going to see the doctor to check up. My aching back. *cries*

Hope my back gets better by saturday. I got a night walk to do. Scaring people; HUZZAH!

~frog~

Monday, July 23, 2007

There's many things I'd like to talk about.

I took the following lines from Yumi's blog; who had taken them from this psycho book she found in the school library. I read the lines and wanted to keep note of them; but Yumi actually took the trouble to write it all down in her notebook.

The trouble is that we over-estimate the importance of words and let them dominate us so that we lose grip on reality. Worse still, most of us human beings think we are masters of words; the truth is they master us, we are enslaved by words.

So true. Those lines are also an example of the power of words. Hahas. But its basically all self-reflection really.

Like what Yumi said; see reality as it is and not the verbal illusion most people mistake for reality.

Human beings are in a state of conflict. The human brain has been conditioned by 50,000 years of thinking that conflict is mankind's natural state. Health is affected because these conflicts cause psychosomatic illness and dissatisfactions. And they affect energy which hampers anyone who is in a state of conflict, but if the being can see things without conditioning it leads to great energy and enthusiasm. Why do human beings who have such intelligence have this problem? The reason is that the brain is taken up in that problem. If there were only problems and a brain that has no problems then it would be easy. So why can't we live without problems?

Because the brain accepts problems as part of existance.

It is itself the main problem. Politicians have many problems and trying to solve them with brains that are muddled with problems causes even greater problems.

Yes, that is a problem isn't it. I always thought that having problems and going through them is a part of life. But it sounds like problems is more of a choice and can be avoided with your way of thinking.

Hmm; maybe I should try that. That way I could be less sickly and not so gan chiong over every little thing that happens in my life. Maybe I can try to accept things as it is; and just go with the flow.

But in a sense everything written up there is arguable; and I probably have wasted five minutes of your time just because you felt like reading. Still really; if you think about it; maybe it is better to have a less problomatic life. We just have to adjust our way of thinking.

Dammit this is madness. I feel like I'm being brainwashed. Gah.

I came back from camp this afternoon. It was great; it was inspirational; and I had experienced so many feelings within such a short amount of time it left me exhausted and sleepy and I actually went to sleep the moment i reached home. Yes, smelly clothes and all.
Like eew.

Camp was fun; as it should be, like on the first day we had some ice breaker games where I learnt everyone in my group's names and courses. We also realised that everyone was so different from each other we clicked easily. I had lots of laughter and smiles all around cos design is one big happy family. =D

Then at night I started worrying abt stuffs and wondering if I might get sick the next day because a bit of a migrane was on. Yumi had it worse; she had to pop in about 5 panadols until her legs turned into jell-o. Yumi me and Cherine then decided to talk about random silliness because we couldn't sleep.

And yes I got sick the next day. Nothing much, not that bad, not good either. But I coped, and got through the morning and afternoon with a very upset stomach. The butter prata we had for dinner helped me a bit though. I feel a lot better after that. Also because fizzie smsed me sayin tt he'll be meetin me the next day. weeeeeee fizzie~

We watched Akeelah and the Bee as well. Super inspirational; even though Chering kept telling us spoilers for about half the movie it was good. Rino and me had to keep covering her mouth every few seconds though.

"....Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..."

One line that really made me think. I can go far in my life. I know I can go far in my life. I just have to try.

And one last thing:

Something Yumi showed me. Its a real beautiful song..

Sunday, July 22, 2007

DONE!

Waaahahahahaa I'm finally done with my Audio1 journal! No sleep at all; now I think i should rest.

Thanks to groupmates Yumi, Warwar, Carmen, Wesley and Joshua for working so well together~ Oh and special thanks to Fizzie for just being there. Don't ask me why; but just your being there can calm me a little.

Ah and to daddy Luke for keeping me awake all night. XD

LOVES TO YOU ALL.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I resolve to never be late for anything ever again.

I promise to never be late for any classes; or deadlines; or even for short meetings with friends. I will never be late to meet my sayang either. NEVER EVER.

I also resolve to take care of myself. I have been getting sick easily. Too much. I will take care of myself. My life depends on my health; and so if i don't take care of it; who will?

No more edible inedibles. That's a must not do anymore.

I resolve to never eat junk food. Unless it's a special treat. Like at most twice a week I shall treat myself to a nice tao kae noi. Yesyes. *drool* From now on it'll be my 2 meals a day and nothing more.

I will also do my best to NOT PROCASTINATE. Or else everything will be done last minute and nothing good would happen from any of this.

I resolve to keep this blog in check every few days. Or as frequently as possible.

currently feeling: Tired and sleepy. I. need. sleep!

currently doing: CHIONG-ING my journal for audio1.

listening to: Never Ever by All Saints

recently read: Pro Tools Bible by David Leathers

ate: 2 Tom yum flavoured Tao Kae Nois
1 very pari pari hot & spicy potato chips
The big M chocolate drink
Nescafe canned drink
a couple of oreo's

achievement: Successfully writing this blog and aspiring to work toward said goals

dissapointment: Oversleeping; not trying to cheer friends up when sad; making people fret and worry over you

And i still haven't worked on my journal. MUST CHIONG.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Fear is not an object; the word "fear" is a moment in time.
Its psychological:

-I will be wise one day but i am ignorant now.
-I live now but I will die.
-I have a job but I may lose it.
I think most people fear this way.

There's a record of 'fear' in the brain, the knowledge is fear. It becomes fear. The word 'fear' contributes to fear.

And, I fear the future. I fear that the most. Because these dreams I have lately are not exactly very pleasant.

fire. burnt houses. screaming for loved ones. outstretched hands. agony.

red black sky. too bright stars. blinding. explosion. chaos.

death. undead. talk back. reach for me. reminiscence.

tearful eyes. end of bridge over raging river. crossing. fall. dissapointment.

I can't remember it all; but they still make me uneasy. The eyebags under my eyes prove it.

Submission for school is today 6pm. Its 12mn now. I still need to start on my journal.

Shitso.

~END~

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I love him.

I love him I love him I love him. Don't bother asking me why; I can't help myself.

I am so disappointed in myself for letting him down. I want to change for the better. I really want to.

Monday, July 16, 2007

New blog!

Yes.

Another one. For those of you who have kept track of all my blogs all this time, I have one thing to say to you: you guys have no bloody life issit.

Yeah. But that's not important. These lifeless people as I have called them will get to finally rest and maybe get themselves a chance to maybe get on with their lives. I have something to say. I shall stop blog-hopping.

This is where I shall write all my reflections; everything that happens. Yep, I'll try my best to write everything here. So to you lifeless out there: no more blog-searching; no more furious code-breaking; no more wasting time wondering what I update and where the fuck has it been updated.

This frog's gonna keep it simple. I shall stay in one place, and not move again.

Well; for now anyways.

~ayun~

Friday, July 13, 2007

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Sunday

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I miss you Hafiz.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Friday

Friday, July 27, 2007

Thursday

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Wednesday

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Monday

Monday, July 23, 2007

Sunday

There's many things I'd like to talk about.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Thursday

DONE!

LOVES TO YOU ALL.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Monday

I love him I love him I love him. Don't bother asking me why; I can't help myself.

I am so disappointed in myself for letting him down. I want to change for the better. I really want to.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Friday

Friday, July 13, 2007