Friday
I am physically and mentally drained now.
Had a long loooong talk with dad about the future. Apparently he's worried about finances and the economy taking a turn for the worse in the future and was wondering how I would handle it.
I have absolutely no idea. And so I asked my dad to try explain to me about business and stuff. I was all very confusing to me actually. I tried my best to concentrate and understand all the things daddy's trying to explain; but I am too slow to comprehend whatever he was saying. I understood bits and pieces here and there; but overall I still couldn't get it.
This is probably a part of me that I hate. No. I LOATHE this part of me. I feel that am too slow to catch up on things that are otherwise very obvious. I hate it. I always try my best to be quicker and grasp the concepts of things but really. I really seriously can't. Up to the point where people would sigh and then try their best to explain to me what they deem as the most obvious thing in the world to them. (Its like DnD, but I am really getting the hang of understanding that one. Really!)
I hate myself. I hate having people roll their eyes and then try to explain to me the most obvious thing in the world. Though I do appreciate the effort taken. Its prolly very difficult to hang out with me because of that. And I never liked those who don't bother to explain anything at all. Though those people are rare and far between I'd say. And worst of all, I hate myself for being so dense and stupid because of this.
So yeah, back to my dad.
He tried to explain, and I tried to comprehend. I failed to understand anything. I was already very irritated at that point. Then he goes on to explain about how he thinks that I should go and get a degree like my cuz Amaliah(the one who guest-blogged a couple of entries back) and maybe that way I can feel more secure in the future in case I lose my job. Im more like wth???!?! Amaliah is taking a more expensive and similar course to mine and you want me to take it? Its like me retaking my course for another four years!! And then he starts saying that I should try and get a degree in other industries like science or engineering. Not animation. No, he wants me to take up animation as a backup.
I took it as a betrayal lol. I was already extremely irritated doing all the housework in the house and helping mom with the laundry and cooking and everything and then he comes and sits down next to me while I was busy folding clothes and he comes and starts telling me about how he wants me to work hard in something else that I can never be good at.
Seriously; PHARMACEUTICAL SCIENCE?!
Where is my future in that??! I can never see myself studying medicine; and I don't think I can ever be good at that. Eisha, maybe. but not me.
And so dad tried to make his point by saying that if I take up a degree in something other than animation; it might do me good as it might prove to others that I can be versatile and can do different job scopes and wadnot.
Then he continues to explain that he doesn't mind spending money on my education and as long as I do whatever it takes to be a versatile daughter and I still have a long future ahead of me and I don't need to worry about petty things like having boyfriends or having a good social life because what good does all that do if in the end you still suffer in the future because of the stupid economy and its ups and downs?
Maybe that's why he and mom has been so against me going for camps and going out with friends. And the rule of having no boyfriend. But I still find it sad.
Because I can't get angry at them at all. I find no reason to get all worked up about it. But really, having no social life? I do not plan on that happening.
But the way my dad explained it all to me; he sounds like he's disappointed in me or something. Like he never wanted me to turn out this way. He kept comparing me to Kak Dila, and how she is still continuing her studies from jc to NTU to nus and university of london.
I wanted to finish this diploma, and that's it. Go get work and settle down maybe. Or maybe go see the world for a bit then settle down here. But he wants me to continue studying, and in a maybe different course or more.
I want to continue studying in animation. But slowly I'm realising that maybe Dad is right. That maybe I should get another degree. That degree would be my backup instead. But the time taken to get that degree, and the money, and all the effort I need to do well in it... I think I'm slowly getting mindfucked.
I don't know what to do. Somebody save me.
I really really want to talk this out with someone. And discussing my future. Or our futures. I really really need this someone right now. I want someone to just come here and save me; I want someone who can just come and comfort me.
I really am a selfish bitch. I hate me. I always talk about myself, I don't seem to care what others think about me, I really don't know what I should do to change this. I am so weak.
Fuck it. I HATE me.
I am not writing all this down in my blog to expect any sympathy or anything along those lines from readers. Though I doubt I have any readers at all anyway. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Too much expectations. I am really really exhausted now. And yet I am not sleepy.
And still not one word from him.
Maybe that's why I feel so down.
I miss you Mohammad Hafiz. I want to talk to you but ure not replying. Talk to me if there's anything. Anything at all. I may not be able to help but I can and will be here for you you know.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
