This is AYUN
Her organiser's over here.
And her art over here.
This blog is not about GORE. It is about the finer points of life and how much we can live it by enjoying it to the fullest...
NOT!
This is GOHR-blog. Nothing will make sense here now...I think.
Bad day today. Pretty bad.
Let's start, shall we.
Woke up at 5am. YES 5am. Because my aunt had to wake up because of severe diarrhoea. Sigh. Its bad to start the day grumpy.
And then I couldn't get back to sleep; so I took an early bath (hoping I might actually get to school early) and then realised that I have to go to the pasar to buy groceries. MORE excercise for me yay i looooove exercise don't you especially if it was damn early like 8am in the morning don't you think it feels sooo great?!
Went back home with de groceries n was all sweaty so I went to bathe. Ran out of shampoo. Contact lens fell. Spent an hour trying to find it on the bathroom floor. I was so scared that I might have to go to school in my old glasses. They might think that I was cosplaying again.
Then I went down to have breakfast and got a message from lucas sayin tt Kenny is hospitalised n tt we're gonna go visit him. Smsed everyone else abt it n waited for something to happen.
Nothing did. For a while at least.
Wished Fizzie good morning; had no reply from him.
Smses Johan asking about Kenny; and waited for replies from people.
Mojo replies after an hour of me stoning at empty space. Den all the other smses came in. Eisha sayin about the sale. Hafiz saying he's not going. Fiona saying about pot luck. Replied them all.
Went to TP at 1pm. Nobody I knew was at itas. smsed jeanette; no reply. luke was in class. nobody else replied my smses or called me back. Walked around; met Fadie. Did some random survey about old people that I don't really wanna know. Walked around some more. Till around 2pm...
Met Nina and Tze Kang at design canteen. Invited them to go out with me instead.
Went to Bukit Merah. Halfway on the way it started raining super heavily. With thunder and lightning. Nina's de same as me, scared of it. And she's got Tze Kang with her.
I guess it's the first time I ever actually screamed out loud and long after that lightning strike. Nina was so scared she couldn't scream.
Eisha kept telling us to hurry and reach cos she couldnt wait for us too long. The bus got stuck in a traffic jam because there was this stooooooopid little traffic light that got hit by lightning and was going almost haywire. We were late anyway; didn't get to meet eisha.
After that we reached the place; bought food from Mcd's; and went to look for block 1003. Tze Kang fell and landed on his laptop which made me scream aloud cos I was still jumpy from that lightning strike earlier.
Bought books. Nina owes me now.
Someone farted REAL bad there. It stunk up a whole aisle. Like WHOAO WHUT DA HELL IS TT STENCH.
Den on the way back home both Nina and me got motion sickness. Nina's was more severe than me so I ended up taking care of her even though we both felt like puking on the bus there and then.
Went back to school wit nin and drew. Couuldn't finish drawing; cos Xorex closed early so I couldnt print my art.
Went back home with Nin.
Ohhh its not over yet.
Mom asked where I bought de books; and I told her. Got told off for not telling her.
But she agreed to pay for a bit of tomorrow's books. that's the good part.
Then went online; realised nobody worth talking to was online. Turned off the com. Was still in bad mood.
Busu refused to do anything anyone says. Even worse mood.
Went online. Chatted with people. People had fun today. Playing in the rain. Rugby matches at a muddy field. Movie outingsss. More movie outingss. School. A date.
And all I got was today. A totally below average day. Oh well.
At least there's still a tommorrow to look forward to.
Think positive, think positive.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I think I need new earrings. The left earlobe is beginning to hurt quite a bit.
But I don't want to change earrings. These were a present from Nina 2 years ago. I've been wearing them since. Its a treasured item lol. And the left piece is extremely loose now. ahahahahaa.
An awesome story and video narrated by my favourite author Neil Gaiman. He's great man.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I feel restricted.
Like I can't talk about me anymore. Or I can't do what I want to.
And I can't draw anymore either. My hands refuse to draw anything.
I'm sad now.
Friday, November 23, 2007
PEOPLE.
GO AWAY.
I WANT TO BE ALONE.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
There's something wrong with me.
I shouldn't be getting this uncomfortable feeling.
I'm going crazy.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
isn't it nice? to have someone to talk to when you're lonely and have got nothing to do?
isn't it such a wonderful feeling?
You don't feel left out, or think that you're being a burden to anyone. You just...chat.
Doesn't that sort of thing feel good? You feel useful for a bit. You feel that you have more purpose, more sense right?
Don't you feel much better now??
Right ayun?
I miss the times when people used to go to me for advice. I shouldn't have rejected them at all la.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Bad days make me go emo. what the hell is up with that.
I used to not care about bad days and just let it all go at the end of the day. Forget about it all and just live life by the day. Good day; good! Bad day; laugh it off and get rey for the next day. I am fucking jealous. but i don't want to ruin anything. It's his life; he can do what he loves. But it's difficult to do that now. I can't let go of whatever has happened as easily as I used to. Why dammit. I worry for him. He makes me worry like siao cos I can never fully understand him. And is prolly usually too scared to ask. Why?! I miss the old me now. I miss fizz. I miss nin nin. I miss laughter. I didn't think excessive laughs make you go like that. And for anyone who was wondering; yes she is okay.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
dreams come in many colors. red, green, yellow, blue.
I had a purple dream last night. No, it wasn't gay or anything. It was just.... scary.
It's those recurring dreams again, the kind that was senseless and meaningless but you feel sure it made sense back when.
It was that boy again. It's always been that little boy. Running at the mangosteen and disappearing. I chased him and then he was swinging at the swing. I was catching moonbeams with him at broad daylight.
WHO ARE YOU.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I love hafiz very very much.
so soo much.
And he's a really really nice guy, even though you never see him admit it. I LOVE YOU!
Busu was making a fuss last thursday night. Making noise and she sounded like she was talking to herself. I woke up, and asked what's the matter.
'Bapak.''father'
'Bapak? Bapak pergi mane? 'father? where did father go?'
'Gi tidur. 'he went to sleep'
And then she looked peaceful.
It took a while before i realised that my aunt had actually sensed(or seen, i will never know) my grandfather, who has peacefully passed away exactly 40 days before.
Rest in peace, tok.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Well this is new.
I am angry. Worried for him, but still angry nonetheless.
Why? No idea. Its definitely not me PMSing. But I am very irritated with the way I work and act recently. Childish, ignorant, and not me at all. My other selves are trying to tell me that, but its true that all of us can't figure out a way to solve the problem. How do you change yourself to suit others?
I am a useless bitch who probably gave people more problems more than help. It's raining outside. I wonder how our booth is doing. I'm gonna go check.
I'm here typing out allthis crap nobody reads because I am useless out there. No matter wad I do, it'll be wrong and I'd be told off.
I want to do something that I can be useful in. But I'm not useful at all. So I shall try find things I might be useful at.
I don't know what, though. Should I try teaching art? Idonno.
Sigh. Gonna go check on the booth now. And I shall shut up and not say anything.
Or maybe I shall. Nobody reads here anyway.
you hurt me. i don't think i ever intentionally hurt you this way. and now you're treating me like dirt. i feel worthless and nobody needs me now i guess. probably.its you who make me feel so low and bloody useless.
thanks eh for making me feel like this.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Everything i did or say has been used against me. I really feel like an idiot.
Ahou.
It was horrible, but the gesture at the end was sweet. Thanks Hafiz.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
There are times when I wonder what would my life be like if I had made different choices.
Like if I had chosen Literature over Art. I was more interested in Literature back then. Would I have ended up a nerd with big glasses and absolutely no social life? Would I have ended up in TP?
I remember not having much of a social life in Secondary School. What if I had actually made more friends? Or if I had actually stayed quiet and ignored Nina and Shab totally? Hahah. Lots of imagery floating around.
But I am happy with my life the way it is now. And thankful too. I love art now, and animation is great.
But I still want to change. My personality, my art style, my looks? I don't know, I feel like I'm not good enough yet. Good enough for what? I have no idea. But I just want to change. This urge is getting stronger and I want to do something about it.
The unsettling dreams that kept me awake at night are back. They keep me from sleeping and make me feel the need to get things done.
And yet I can't remember anything that happens in those dreams anymore. Things happen in my dreams, and I suspect they are premonitions of something occurring in my life. These dreams that keep me awake and made me grow all these STOOOooOoOOooPID eyebags.
It's trying to tell me something, but it can't reach me. Why?
Why?
:(
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
What a day yesterday was.
I am feeling better now, thanks Nin nin for being there. She's the bestest best friend EVER. People make mistakes, dear, so don't fret too much about it kae?
And and and
Yesterday was a blur. My head was throbbing hte moment I woke up. I tot at first it was just dizziness from sleeping in (it was 1PM lol) but the headache grew and grew.
And NAQ!!! What the HELL were you thinking?! Throwing out mama's $300 serum?! Just cos u thought it was empty??? Mama cried okay. She saved up all that money for herself. And all you do after realising it was to just shrug it off and not even apologise? rarrrrr!!!
Ad after all that hoo-haa (we ended up looking through the garbage bins cos mum forced us to) (and i wasn't even involved in this at all and i still have to help naq. sigh) After mama realised that the little box of serum is gone we all got dressed and went to my aunt's place in Pasir Ris.
The food was good, and I would have enjoyed it more if not for the darned headache. I remember it felt like all the pain was shifting toward the left side and my left eye kept tearing. hahah. I kept tryin to keep myself sane and not having my face show any pain at all by playing random games with my cousins and smsing people. I couldn't get to more than 2 ppl. Nin and Fizz. I love you two.
I don't remember much after that, but I was told that I got feverish and was sent straight home. I don't even remember doing any of this but my sis said I managed to take off my contact lenses and my make up and wash up a little then go to bed. All on my own. Wow.
And now I have woken up, and this fever is killing me. Though not as bad as yesterday, I hope. =P
Froggy signing out.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
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Wednesday
Bad day today. Pretty bad.
Let's start, shall we.
Woke up at 5am. YES 5am. Because my aunt had to wake up because of severe diarrhoea. Sigh. Its bad to start the day grumpy.
And then I couldn't get back to sleep; so I took an early bath (hoping I might actually get to school early) and then realised that I have to go to the pasar to buy groceries. MORE excercise for me yay i looooove exercise don't you especially if it was damn early like 8am in the morning don't you think it feels sooo great?!
Went back home with de groceries n was all sweaty so I went to bathe. Ran out of shampoo. Contact lens fell. Spent an hour trying to find it on the bathroom floor. I was so scared that I might have to go to school in my old glasses. They might think that I was cosplaying again.
Then I went down to have breakfast and got a message from lucas sayin tt Kenny is hospitalised n tt we're gonna go visit him. Smsed everyone else abt it n waited for something to happen.
Nothing did. For a while at least.
Wished Fizzie good morning; had no reply from him.
Smses Johan asking about Kenny; and waited for replies from people.
Mojo replies after an hour of me stoning at empty space. Den all the other smses came in. Eisha sayin about the sale. Hafiz saying he's not going. Fiona saying about pot luck. Replied them all.
Went to TP at 1pm. Nobody I knew was at itas. smsed jeanette; no reply. luke was in class. nobody else replied my smses or called me back. Walked around; met Fadie. Did some random survey about old people that I don't really wanna know. Walked around some more. Till around 2pm...
Met Nina and Tze Kang at design canteen. Invited them to go out with me instead.
Went to Bukit Merah. Halfway on the way it started raining super heavily. With thunder and lightning. Nina's de same as me, scared of it. And she's got Tze Kang with her.
I guess it's the first time I ever actually screamed out loud and long after that lightning strike. Nina was so scared she couldn't scream.
Eisha kept telling us to hurry and reach cos she couldnt wait for us too long. The bus got stuck in a traffic jam because there was this stooooooopid little traffic light that got hit by lightning and was going almost haywire. We were late anyway; didn't get to meet eisha.
After that we reached the place; bought food from Mcd's; and went to look for block 1003. Tze Kang fell and landed on his laptop which made me scream aloud cos I was still jumpy from that lightning strike earlier.
Bought books. Nina owes me now.
Someone farted REAL bad there. It stunk up a whole aisle. Like WHOAO WHUT DA HELL IS TT STENCH.
Den on the way back home both Nina and me got motion sickness. Nina's was more severe than me so I ended up taking care of her even though we both felt like puking on the bus there and then.
Went back to school wit nin and drew. Couuldn't finish drawing; cos Xorex closed early so I couldnt print my art.
Went back home with Nin.
Ohhh its not over yet.
Mom asked where I bought de books; and I told her. Got told off for not telling her.
But she agreed to pay for a bit of tomorrow's books. that's the good part.
Then went online; realised nobody worth talking to was online. Turned off the com. Was still in bad mood.
Busu refused to do anything anyone says. Even worse mood.
Went online. Chatted with people. People had fun today. Playing in the rain. Rugby matches at a muddy field. Movie outingsss. More movie outingss. School. A date.
And all I got was today. A totally below average day. Oh well.
At least there's still a tommorrow to look forward to.
Think positive, think positive.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday
I think I need new earrings. The left earlobe is beginning to hurt quite a bit.
But I don't want to change earrings. These were a present from Nina 2 years ago. I've been wearing them since. Its a treasured item lol. And the left piece is extremely loose now. ahahahahaa.
An awesome story and video narrated by my favourite author Neil Gaiman. He's great man.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday
I feel restricted.
Like I can't talk about me anymore. Or I can't do what I want to.
And I can't draw anymore either. My hands refuse to draw anything.
I'm sad now.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday
PEOPLE.
GO AWAY.
I WANT TO BE ALONE.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
There's something wrong with me.
I shouldn't be getting this uncomfortable feeling.
I'm going crazy.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
isn't it nice? to have someone to talk to when you're lonely and have got nothing to do?
isn't it such a wonderful feeling?
You don't feel left out, or think that you're being a burden to anyone. You just...chat.
Doesn't that sort of thing feel good? You feel useful for a bit. You feel that you have more purpose, more sense right?
Don't you feel much better now??
Right ayun?
I miss the times when people used to go to me for advice. I shouldn't have rejected them at all la.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Bad days make me go emo. what the hell is up with that.
I used to not care about bad days and just let it all go at the end of the day. Forget about it all and just live life by the day. Good day; good! Bad day; laugh it off and get rey for the next day. I am fucking jealous. but i don't want to ruin anything. It's his life; he can do what he loves. But it's difficult to do that now. I can't let go of whatever has happened as easily as I used to. Why dammit. I worry for him. He makes me worry like siao cos I can never fully understand him. And is prolly usually too scared to ask. Why?! I miss the old me now. I miss fizz. I miss nin nin. I miss laughter. I didn't think excessive laughs make you go like that. And for anyone who was wondering; yes she is okay.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday
dreams come in many colors. red, green, yellow, blue.
I had a purple dream last night. No, it wasn't gay or anything. It was just.... scary.
It's those recurring dreams again, the kind that was senseless and meaningless but you feel sure it made sense back when.
It was that boy again. It's always been that little boy. Running at the mangosteen and disappearing. I chased him and then he was swinging at the swing. I was catching moonbeams with him at broad daylight.
WHO ARE YOU.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I love hafiz very very much.
so soo much.
And he's a really really nice guy, even though you never see him admit it. I LOVE YOU!
Busu was making a fuss last thursday night. Making noise and she sounded like she was talking to herself. I woke up, and asked what's the matter.
'Bapak.''father'
'Bapak? Bapak pergi mane? 'father? where did father go?'
'Gi tidur. 'he went to sleep'
And then she looked peaceful.
It took a while before i realised that my aunt had actually sensed(or seen, i will never know) my grandfather, who has peacefully passed away exactly 40 days before.
Rest in peace, tok.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday
Well this is new.
I am angry. Worried for him, but still angry nonetheless.
Why? No idea. Its definitely not me PMSing. But I am very irritated with the way I work and act recently. Childish, ignorant, and not me at all. My other selves are trying to tell me that, but its true that all of us can't figure out a way to solve the problem. How do you change yourself to suit others?
I am a useless bitch who probably gave people more problems more than help. It's raining outside. I wonder how our booth is doing. I'm gonna go check.
I'm here typing out allthis crap nobody reads because I am useless out there. No matter wad I do, it'll be wrong and I'd be told off.
I want to do something that I can be useful in. But I'm not useful at all. So I shall try find things I might be useful at.
I don't know what, though. Should I try teaching art? Idonno.
Sigh. Gonna go check on the booth now. And I shall shut up and not say anything.
Or maybe I shall. Nobody reads here anyway.
you hurt me. i don't think i ever intentionally hurt you this way. and now you're treating me like dirt. i feel worthless and nobody needs me now i guess. probably.its you who make me feel so low and bloody useless.
thanks eh for making me feel like this.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday
Everything i did or say has been used against me. I really feel like an idiot.
Ahou.
It was horrible, but the gesture at the end was sweet. Thanks Hafiz.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Saturday
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Thursday
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tuesday
There are times when I wonder what would my life be like if I had made different choices.
Like if I had chosen Literature over Art. I was more interested in Literature back then. Would I have ended up a nerd with big glasses and absolutely no social life? Would I have ended up in TP?
I remember not having much of a social life in Secondary School. What if I had actually made more friends? Or if I had actually stayed quiet and ignored Nina and Shab totally? Hahah. Lots of imagery floating around.
But I am happy with my life the way it is now. And thankful too. I love art now, and animation is great.
But I still want to change. My personality, my art style, my looks? I don't know, I feel like I'm not good enough yet. Good enough for what? I have no idea. But I just want to change. This urge is getting stronger and I want to do something about it.
The unsettling dreams that kept me awake at night are back. They keep me from sleeping and make me feel the need to get things done.
And yet I can't remember anything that happens in those dreams anymore. Things happen in my dreams, and I suspect they are premonitions of something occurring in my life. These dreams that keep me awake and made me grow all these STOOOooOoOOooPID eyebags.
It's trying to tell me something, but it can't reach me. Why?
Why?
:(
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Saturday
What a day yesterday was.
I am feeling better now, thanks Nin nin for being there. She's the bestest best friend EVER. People make mistakes, dear, so don't fret too much about it kae?
And and and
Yesterday was a blur. My head was throbbing hte moment I woke up. I tot at first it was just dizziness from sleeping in (it was 1PM lol) but the headache grew and grew.
And NAQ!!! What the HELL were you thinking?! Throwing out mama's $300 serum?! Just cos u thought it was empty??? Mama cried okay. She saved up all that money for herself. And all you do after realising it was to just shrug it off and not even apologise? rarrrrr!!!
Ad after all that hoo-haa (we ended up looking through the garbage bins cos mum forced us to) (and i wasn't even involved in this at all and i still have to help naq. sigh) After mama realised that the little box of serum is gone we all got dressed and went to my aunt's place in Pasir Ris.
The food was good, and I would have enjoyed it more if not for the darned headache. I remember it felt like all the pain was shifting toward the left side and my left eye kept tearing. hahah. I kept tryin to keep myself sane and not having my face show any pain at all by playing random games with my cousins and smsing people. I couldn't get to more than 2 ppl. Nin and Fizz. I love you two.
I don't remember much after that, but I was told that I got feverish and was sent straight home. I don't even remember doing any of this but my sis said I managed to take off my contact lenses and my make up and wash up a little then go to bed. All on my own. Wow.
And now I have woken up, and this fever is killing me. Though not as bad as yesterday, I hope. =P
Froggy signing out.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
gallery
Random shit.
I drew me.
I drew me again.
This was drawn on my macbook before I lost it.
2006, from left, Rafi, me, Shabs, JM, Nina, and Khai.