.Ramblings of ayunie.
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This is AYUN
Her organiser's over here.
And her art over here.
This blog is not about GORE. It is about the finer points of life and how much we can live it by enjoying it to the fullest...
NOT!
This is GOHR-blog. Nothing will make sense here now...I think.
I can't save this world. Not if I can't even save myself. And nobody will be here to save me either.
I have to do all this on my own.
And that just sucks innit. Life is so goddamn horrible. Gotta learn to live with it.
And I hope that everyone out there with their own problems please do cheer up and try their best to look at the brighter side of life. Because; hey. Shit happens.
I'm learning. I'm struggling; but I WILL try to work it out.Just gotta have faith in myself. Cmoonn yun.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thanks Ramadan. Thanks a lot.
Thanks Nina.
Thanks Shab. I promise to make time for you okay. You're always number 1. =]
And thanks Ada. =]
Friday, September 26, 2008
Urge. To. Kill. RISING.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Mama has PAWAH.
She's wondurr woman.
I respect her man.
And when she says I should go sleep; I WILL go sleep.
Goodnight people.
Don't ever go against someone who has power over my dad. Haha. Mama is awesome.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
You know what.
Stop it. Don't tell me any more.
If you think that he's being unfair to you then just BREAK UP. You love him; oh yeah so big deal. If he hurts you then you know that isn't right.
I asked you; and you tell me that you know he isn't making you happy. You know he's not accepting you.
Don't believe him. If he says he loves you. Don't.
He's not gonna love you back. If he makes you THAT MUCH UNHAPPY.
Seven years may be a long time; but you got to think straight too. People can change. I know I changed a lot. What makes you think he wouldn't?
Just think it through. It's all your choice; but please don't take it out on me this way. I'm here for you; but just through msn and your blog.
Don't try to find me. Okay?
Sigh. I guess even gays can have their problems. Cheer up okay.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I don't like blogger. It refuses to upload pictures onto the com. My past entry is UNFINISHED.
..Gahh.
Well; today was crazy. Whack whack whack whack. Kick kick kick kick. Owowowow. Lotsa punts to the head. and punches too.
Don't know what came over me. But I just went with the adrenaline.
I guess I'm losing it.
I still feel the same.
And on other news thank youuuuuu Dee and Ris for the free ride!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
OHMIGOD IZZY. THEY SAW US. WHAT SHOULD WE DOOOOO--
Hahaha. I chanced upon this folder when I was cleaning out my computer space.(I needed to clean out the, er; pictures and folders had to be reorganised.) It was when SpiderPunks went to have a very random dinner because everybody happened to be free.
I want to eat dinner with you guys again. I miss you all uh.
SP, excluding Izzy who was holding the camera.
Incomplete. Blogger kept dying on me. D8
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Welcome the Mega Hamster Mosh pit! *funky music and bright neon lights dazzle dazzle*
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I suspect I posted this before last Raya; but I don't care I'm posting it again.
It's a great tear-jerker for me haha. Because it reminds me so much of my grandparents.
I miss looking after them. Maybe I shall take up volunteer work again. It's been years.
And and and. I WANT to ask for forgiveness from my mom and dad.
For I have done a many things wrong. and I want their forgiveness.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
allah knows* No man is worth the aggravation it's ancient history been there done that. says: kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim [Kim] THIS IS THE ELEGANT ART OF FEMININE CONFLICT. says: froggyyyyyyyyyyy allah knows* No man is worth the aggravation it's ancient history been there done that. says: okay bye. [Kim] THIS IS THE ELEGANT ART OF FEMININE CONFLICT. says: D8 WOKAY.
Aaand that was it. We understood each other perfectly. Haha.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Poor little ham needed a vet collar. And so cute- it was held together by one little staple. Get well soon. =]
Monday, September 22, 2008
OMG KYAA. A DUST KITTY.
WAD WAS IT DOING UNDER MY BED.
And why the hell am I writing in caps for. Sheesh calm down uh frog. Ryun hates you for it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Was at home all day today. And at night was ergh.
Did housework.
Cooked.
Laundry.
To market to buy necessities.
Read a book.
Smsed a bunch of people.
Worried over who's going for the Japanese high school carnival.
Practiced dancing Mariah's song.
Became the middleperson between Rino and Nina's deal. (50 bucks zomg i feel so poor now)
And for good behavior all day today and yesterday my dad gave me freedom after terawikh.
But then there was nothing for me to do.
I was so alone. Had nobody to talk to. Had nothing to do. I practically walked around the park listlessly.
I feel so much emptier without a watch. Haha.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
So many things I would take back You were the best I ever had I don't blame you for hating me I didn't mean to make you leave
Saturday, September 20, 2008
At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.
Sometimes you're so worn-out you don't think you can stand emotions in what remains of your life. You can't let love too play havoc with the scattered pieces of you.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Trust
Are we done chasing rainbows? Can we go back to reality now? -Ryun
The four of us sincerely welcome Ryun into the family. Lost one will be grieved; and new one will be loved.
Support us, girl. And welcome. Let's hope for a better future ahead. Spunky, strong Ryun. Help this body overcome her problems and give her strength to move on.
Was it a one-sided rant? Who knows. I guess you never trusted me enough to want to tell me anything after all. I think; did you even try to call me out to talk to me or has it always been me?
A year plus of your distrust; that's what it probably was. If I'm wrong, then say it. And explain it well enough so that I could have a closure. Because this shouldn't be the way to end I believe.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tomorrow's the day.
Will be meeting Ronald to discuss about SIP.
Damn that 77-Star. Eet ish noht two bee trusted.
Will hope for the best tomorrow.
Ohmigod. Something happened. What the fuck is wrong with my body. Dammit dammit dammit.
Ya Allah; please give me the strength to go through all these hardships. Please help me, if nobody else can.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
ORLY?!
I think when a sharp-beaked bird gets beyond 90 degrees with the head tilt. RUN. AWAY.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
[crazy hamster stripping music playing in the background]
I have to say my thanks to everybody who tells me they got my support through this little phase of mine. I seriously love you guys.
To Weilee, who has offered his shoulder for me to cry on even though you're touchaphobic.. It really means something. :)
Ping, and Sean, who kept me sane during the long night.
Oli, for the hugs and that nice rub when I couldn't sleep. Oh and for letting me use you as a bolster; I didn't even know I glomp-ed you.^_^
Furt, for letting me have Oli. Hehe.
Wesley, for letting me sing it out for a bit. I feel better after belting things out.
Sam and Marissa for the wonderfulllll bustlicious hugs.
Fiona Kim and Kaya for their hugs and animated funnies.
Ali and daddy Lucas for looking after me. I didn't ask u to not sleep you know. But it really made me feel special.
And for that I thank evryone. =] And TPJCG i love you all big and small. Thanks for respecting my privacy, some of you. Haha.
My family's still no different, and my heart's still dead; but at least I found a bit of light I can look up to. Funny how I didn't realise u guys were there all along, i must've been blind.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
WHY.
Why am i so afraid to stand alone?
Probably because I know I would crumble into tiny little pieces and nobody could pick them and put them together again.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I'm broke.
I am broke; broke, broken.
And now i feel like I should just hold on and not do anything at all bcos when I do try something somehow things go all haywire.
So I will hold on. And hope. Hope for the best.
And hope my heart can heal after getting itself ripped apart by many many loved ones in such a short time.
If this is a test; i'm probably doing a fine job failing it aren't I.
Damn this world, I want to die right now.
Monday, September 15, 2008
How did we ever manage to get along the last time?
Friday, September 12, 2008
It's from deviantart. Lovely piece. GHEI. WHOO YEA.
I might be a convert and end up like Eisha or Nina. Oh noes. But then again if you can't beat them join them; like what many people say. I'm lovin it.
In other news there has been no change in the hospital and no other major changes in this sick life i lead. Thank goodness nothing's been going worser.
I pray hard every day for forgiveness and for my health and also for my family's health. I pray for patience and also for myself to be strong so that i can overcome my obstacles. I pray that one day I will actually be HAPPY.
Ohmigod-- it's the 2nd of September. I almost forgot.
A time to remember an old friend; who I cared for deeply. For as long as time, we still remember the times we shared together with your sister and we both will miss you dearly.
From your twin sis Aisha and also from me, rest in peace Rizwan. It's been 11 years but we both still remember. I still got your lucky marbles. :]
Monday, September 01, 2008
Dear God. Please save me from this hell.
im at my lowest of lows and downest of downs
and then just now i had a real-life-no-joke-im-not-kidding panic attack.
....some sufferers are not under any "fear" or any psychological illness but are under extreme amounts of stress and anxiety resulting in a panic attack -Wikipedia
i couldnt control what was happening to my body for one whole looong hour and its very scary because i thought i was going to die.
i acted as usual at dance session. it was too overwhelming. also partly because i was tired and hungry. i wished i could tell someone, just ask anybody to accompany me home just for tonight. because i didnt feel..... i didnt feel very correct just now. but i know everyone's very tired too. i didnt want to spoil anybody's fun. troubling people to send me home would have definitely ruined things again.
anyways i started trembling on the bus. and then sweating. the bus was air conditioned and i was sweating. what a joke huh. i rushed home, had a shower, cried in the shower and then tried to sleep. as i was on my bed uh, i suddenly felt like... kena hempap because i became breathless. but i could sit up and walk so i know there were no forces beyond my comprehension doing this. it was just my body trying to be funny. i had the fan blasting wind in my face cause i was sweating but it only made me even colder. i rolled myself up into a ball, wrapped the comforter around me and started rocking to and fro on my bed. hurhur. i felt like a drug addict on cold turkey....
the next thing i know, its midnight already.
all the palpitations and sweating and rocking must have concussed me bad.
still feeling down. still feeling low. haiz.. but life has to go on lah....
Monday, September 01, 2008
A few days back I put up a video of where the hell is Matt?:
Anybody got any idea where to get the song? It's stuck in my head. :S
Monday, September 01, 2008
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Sunday
I can't save this world. Not if I can't even save myself. And nobody will be here to save me either.
I have to do all this on my own.
And that just sucks innit. Life is so goddamn horrible. Gotta learn to live with it.
And I hope that everyone out there with their own problems please do cheer up and try their best to look at the brighter side of life. Because; hey. Shit happens.
I'm learning. I'm struggling; but I WILL try to work it out.Just gotta have faith in myself. Cmoonn yun.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday
Thanks Ramadan. Thanks a lot.
Thanks Nina.
Thanks Shab. I promise to make time for you okay. You're always number 1. =]
And thanks Ada. =]
Friday, September 26, 2008
Urge. To. Kill. RISING.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday
Mama has PAWAH.
She's wondurr woman.
I respect her man.
And when she says I should go sleep; I WILL go sleep.
Goodnight people.
Don't ever go against someone who has power over my dad. Haha. Mama is awesome.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday
You know what.
Stop it. Don't tell me any more.
If you think that he's being unfair to you then just BREAK UP. You love him; oh yeah so big deal. If he hurts you then you know that isn't right.
I asked you; and you tell me that you know he isn't making you happy. You know he's not accepting you.
Don't believe him. If he says he loves you. Don't.
He's not gonna love you back. If he makes you THAT MUCH UNHAPPY.
Seven years may be a long time; but you got to think straight too. People can change. I know I changed a lot. What makes you think he wouldn't?
Just think it through. It's all your choice; but please don't take it out on me this way. I'm here for you; but just through msn and your blog.
Don't try to find me. Okay?
Sigh. I guess even gays can have their problems. Cheer up okay.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I don't like blogger. It refuses to upload pictures onto the com. My past entry is UNFINISHED.
..Gahh.
Well; today was crazy. Whack whack whack whack. Kick kick kick kick. Owowowow. Lotsa punts to the head. and punches too.
Don't know what came over me. But I just went with the adrenaline.
I guess I'm losing it.
I still feel the same.
And on other news thank youuuuuu Dee and Ris for the free ride!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday
OHMIGOD IZZY. THEY SAW US. WHAT SHOULD WE DOOOOO--
Hahaha. I chanced upon this folder when I was cleaning out my computer space.(I needed to clean out the, er; pictures and folders had to be reorganised.) It was when SpiderPunks went to have a very random dinner because everybody happened to be free.
I want to eat dinner with you guys again. I miss you all uh.
SP, excluding Izzy who was holding the camera.
Incomplete. Blogger kept dying on me. D8
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Welcome the Mega Hamster Mosh pit! *funky music and bright neon lights dazzle dazzle*
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I suspect I posted this before last Raya; but I don't care I'm posting it again.
It's a great tear-jerker for me haha. Because it reminds me so much of my grandparents.
I miss looking after them. Maybe I shall take up volunteer work again. It's been years.
And and and. I WANT to ask for forgiveness from my mom and dad.
For I have done a many things wrong. and I want their forgiveness.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
allah knows* No man is worth the aggravation it's ancient history been there done that. says: kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim [Kim] THIS IS THE ELEGANT ART OF FEMININE CONFLICT. says: froggyyyyyyyyyyy allah knows* No man is worth the aggravation it's ancient history been there done that. says: okay bye. [Kim] THIS IS THE ELEGANT ART OF FEMININE CONFLICT. says: D8 WOKAY.
Aaand that was it. We understood each other perfectly. Haha.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday
Poor little ham needed a vet collar. And so cute- it was held together by one little staple. Get well soon. =]
Monday, September 22, 2008
OMG KYAA. A DUST KITTY.
WAD WAS IT DOING UNDER MY BED.
And why the hell am I writing in caps for. Sheesh calm down uh frog. Ryun hates you for it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday
Was at home all day today. And at night was ergh.
Did housework.
Cooked.
Laundry.
To market to buy necessities.
Read a book.
Smsed a bunch of people.
Worried over who's going for the Japanese high school carnival.
Practiced dancing Mariah's song.
Became the middleperson between Rino and Nina's deal. (50 bucks zomg i feel so poor now)
And for good behavior all day today and yesterday my dad gave me freedom after terawikh.
But then there was nothing for me to do.
I was so alone. Had nobody to talk to. Had nothing to do. I practically walked around the park listlessly.
I feel so much emptier without a watch. Haha.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday
So many things I would take back You were the best I ever had I don't blame you for hating me I didn't mean to make you leave
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday
At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.
Sometimes you're so worn-out you don't think you can stand emotions in what remains of your life. You can't let love too play havoc with the scattered pieces of you.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Wednesday
Are we done chasing rainbows? Can we go back to reality now? -Ryun
The four of us sincerely welcome Ryun into the family. Lost one will be grieved; and new one will be loved.
Support us, girl. And welcome. Let's hope for a better future ahead. Spunky, strong Ryun. Help this body overcome her problems and give her strength to move on.
Was it a one-sided rant? Who knows. I guess you never trusted me enough to want to tell me anything after all. I think; did you even try to call me out to talk to me or has it always been me?
A year plus of your distrust; that's what it probably was. If I'm wrong, then say it. And explain it well enough so that I could have a closure. Because this shouldn't be the way to end I believe.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tomorrow's the day.
Will be meeting Ronald to discuss about SIP.
Damn that 77-Star. Eet ish noht two bee trusted.
Will hope for the best tomorrow.
Ohmigod. Something happened. What the fuck is wrong with my body. Dammit dammit dammit.
Ya Allah; please give me the strength to go through all these hardships. Please help me, if nobody else can.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
ORLY?!
I think when a sharp-beaked bird gets beyond 90 degrees with the head tilt. RUN. AWAY.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
[crazy hamster stripping music playing in the background]
I have to say my thanks to everybody who tells me they got my support through this little phase of mine. I seriously love you guys.
To Weilee, who has offered his shoulder for me to cry on even though you're touchaphobic.. It really means something. :)
Ping, and Sean, who kept me sane during the long night.
Oli, for the hugs and that nice rub when I couldn't sleep. Oh and for letting me use you as a bolster; I didn't even know I glomp-ed you.^_^
Furt, for letting me have Oli. Hehe.
Wesley, for letting me sing it out for a bit. I feel better after belting things out.
Sam and Marissa for the wonderfulllll bustlicious hugs.
Fiona Kim and Kaya for their hugs and animated funnies.
Ali and daddy Lucas for looking after me. I didn't ask u to not sleep you know. But it really made me feel special.
And for that I thank evryone. =] And TPJCG i love you all big and small. Thanks for respecting my privacy, some of you. Haha.
My family's still no different, and my heart's still dead; but at least I found a bit of light I can look up to. Funny how I didn't realise u guys were there all along, i must've been blind.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday
WHY.
Why am i so afraid to stand alone?
Probably because I know I would crumble into tiny little pieces and nobody could pick them and put them together again.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I'm broke.
I am broke; broke, broken.
And now i feel like I should just hold on and not do anything at all bcos when I do try something somehow things go all haywire.
So I will hold on. And hope. Hope for the best.
And hope my heart can heal after getting itself ripped apart by many many loved ones in such a short time.
If this is a test; i'm probably doing a fine job failing it aren't I.
Damn this world, I want to die right now.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Friday
How did we ever manage to get along the last time?
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday
It's from deviantart. Lovely piece. GHEI. WHOO YEA.
I might be a convert and end up like Eisha or Nina. Oh noes. But then again if you can't beat them join them; like what many people say. I'm lovin it.
In other news there has been no change in the hospital and no other major changes in this sick life i lead. Thank goodness nothing's been going worser.
I pray hard every day for forgiveness and for my health and also for my family's health. I pray for patience and also for myself to be strong so that i can overcome my obstacles. I pray that one day I will actually be HAPPY.
Ohmigod-- it's the 2nd of September. I almost forgot.
A time to remember an old friend; who I cared for deeply. For as long as time, we still remember the times we shared together with your sister and we both will miss you dearly.
From your twin sis Aisha and also from me, rest in peace Rizwan. It's been 11 years but we both still remember. I still got your lucky marbles. :]
Monday, September 01, 2008
Dear God. Please save me from this hell.
im at my lowest of lows and downest of downs
and then just now i had a real-life-no-joke-im-not-kidding panic attack.
....some sufferers are not under any "fear" or any psychological illness but are under extreme amounts of stress and anxiety resulting in a panic attack -Wikipedia
i couldnt control what was happening to my body for one whole looong hour and its very scary because i thought i was going to die.
i acted as usual at dance session. it was too overwhelming. also partly because i was tired and hungry. i wished i could tell someone, just ask anybody to accompany me home just for tonight. because i didnt feel..... i didnt feel very correct just now. but i know everyone's very tired too. i didnt want to spoil anybody's fun. troubling people to send me home would have definitely ruined things again.
anyways i started trembling on the bus. and then sweating. the bus was air conditioned and i was sweating. what a joke huh. i rushed home, had a shower, cried in the shower and then tried to sleep. as i was on my bed uh, i suddenly felt like... kena hempap because i became breathless. but i could sit up and walk so i know there were no forces beyond my comprehension doing this. it was just my body trying to be funny. i had the fan blasting wind in my face cause i was sweating but it only made me even colder. i rolled myself up into a ball, wrapped the comforter around me and started rocking to and fro on my bed. hurhur. i felt like a drug addict on cold turkey....
the next thing i know, its midnight already.
all the palpitations and sweating and rocking must have concussed me bad.
still feeling down. still feeling low. haiz.. but life has to go on lah....
Monday, September 01, 2008
A few days back I put up a video of where the hell is Matt?:
Anybody got any idea where to get the song? It's stuck in my head. :S
Monday, September 01, 2008
gallery
Random shit.
I drew me.
I drew me again.
This was drawn on my macbook before I lost it.
2006, from left, Rafi, me, Shabs, JM, Nina, and Khai.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
OHMIGOD IZZY. THEY SAW US. WHAT SHOULD WE DOOOOO--
Poor little ham needed a vet collar. And so cute- it was held together by one little staple.
OMG KYAA. A DUST KITTY. 
Are we done chasing rainbows? Can we go back to reality now? -Ryun
ORLY?!
[crazy hamster stripping music playing in the background]
It's from deviantart. Lovely piece. GHEI. WHOO YEA.
